


all the lies you've ever told

by crickets



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-03-07
Updated: 2011-03-07
Packaged: 2017-10-20 04:14:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/208622
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/crickets/pseuds/crickets





	all the lies you've ever told

It's not that she falls in love with Stark. In fact, at the end of whatever this thing was, she realizes, painfully so, that she doesn't even like him all that much. She breaks up with him in front of Jackson, a scrub nurse, two interns, and whoever else happens to be in the gallery that day.

She vaguely recalls, shouting, "Screw you!" as she slams through the door.

 _It is not her finest moment._

So a few weeks later, when she realizes she is pregnant? She can't tell anyone. Not even Jackson. _No,_ especially not Jackson, because he was there that day in the OR and he knows for a fact, and half the hospital knows by word of mouth, _that she and Stark?_ Were an item. And the fact of the matter is, she's not exactly comfortable with all of Seattle Grace Mercy West, or at least the gossips she shares her house with and all of their closest friends, knowing that she, April Kepner, lost her virginity to a man twice her age, and _not only that_ , to Dr. Stark specifically.

And okay, so _he's a jerk and everything_ , but the truth is that he was actually very sweet about the whole thing, and April wouldn't exactly go back and undo it if she could. In fact, she knows she wouldn't. _Even assholes have hearts_ , she reasons. The cruelty and stubbornness he lives by in the hospital is not the whole of the human being that is Phillip Stark, but there just comes a certain point where it's impossible to separate the two. So the thought occurs to her, over her breakfast that morning, that she can never have this man's child. Not in a hundred, million years. But the question remains: what does she do now?

"What's the matter with you?" Lexie snaps her fingers in front of April's eyes. "You've been staring at your cheerios for fifteen minutes. You didn't even say good morning."

"Oh," April flusters. "Nothing. I just. I was just thinking about simple versus complex carbohydrates, and how they, you know,... differ. I wrote this paper once..." she rambles on about how she used to want to become a nutritionist and how fascinating it was to her. It's the most ridiculous thing, and _also_ total bullshit, but it's all she can think of, and thankfully Lexie soon loses her patience and their conversation moves on to other things.

"Don't be late," Lexie advises before rushing out of the door.

April frowns. "It's too late for that," she mutters to herself.

-

April drives to a clinic on the other side of the city on a rainy Tuesday morning.

She thinks of Meredith and all of the things she's going through _just to have a baby._ She laughs when she remembers her school-girl crush on Derek. She remembers the day she found her best friend in a pool of blood and, hours later, Meredith having a miscarriage right in front of her eyes. She remembers thinking how that day would never end. Somewhere, there is the sharp sense of betrayal, but she can't focus on it for too long or she knows she won't go through with it.

 _She lets it pass._

April imagines Meredith would probably hold her hand anyway, and she would tell her that it's okay.

When the nurse calls her name, she feels a weight being lifted.

-

She has trouble working on OB and peds cases afterward.

It's not that she's suddenly remorseful. _No_ , she's sure she's done the right thing. The _right thing_ isn't even a question. She just doesn't like being reminded of it. And being around sick, but adorable, children, pregnant ladies with pink cheeks, and Arizona always smiling, and Stark grumbling into his charts and ignoring her? It just brings up things she'd rather not think about right now, _or ever_ really.

So she removes herself. She finds excuses to work other cases, or just disappears into a supply closet when she senses her precarious balance is in danger. Some days she swallows it all down and tells herself that today will be different. _Today will be fine._ But when the time comes to face up to it, she bolts. It is uncharacteristic and obvious, but she gets away with it none-the-less.

 _Not today,_ she rationalizes, sucks in a lung-full of stale on-call room air. _Tomorrow._

-

Jackson looks at her with suspicious eyes, but every time he dares mention it, April changes the subject, _or_ just ignores him completely which she _knows_ is only making it worse, and yet she can't seem to stop herself from doing it.

"What is your deal?" he asks her one afternoon when he and Lexie catch her on the verge of tears in the stairwell.

"What is _your_ deal?" she retorts, and pushes past them. The sentiment strikes her as oddly childish and oddly Alex-like, which is funny when she thinks about it long enough. If anybody ever told her she'd be taking cues from _Alex Karev_ she would have laughed in their face.

 _Things change_.

-

"You know, you're going to have to get over this," Alex confronts her one morning over a cup of coffee, speaking in that clipped way he uses when he has absolutely run out of patience with someone.

"Yeah well," she tells him. "You don't know what you're talking about." And for once, _it is the truth_. He literally has no idea what he's talking about. April almost revels in this.

She walks to the sink and noisily deposits her plate of toast and her mug.

"Okay," Alex chortles cruelly. "Have it your way."

-

April has never been what she would call a secret-keeper, and the truth is she never understood why. For the most part, her life has been an open book, and for a while she used to think that it was because she didn't have any secrets big enough worth keeping. But now? She is overcome with this painful feeling of loneliness. She's experienced something that has changed her. A time will come where it fades away, indistinguishable from the countless other things that have shaped who she is, but today is not that day. Today it is raw and real and bigger than she is. How can she be this new person without sharing that part of herself? Keeping this secret is like pretending that she's still the same old April.

 _But she's not._

It is too heavy a burden to bear and she can't do it any longer. She realizes this on the same day that Alex, Jackson, and Lexie, confront her at the house. It's a Sunday and it's raining again and April can hear their heavy footsteps leading to the bedroom door. She thinks it's funny, how you can almost hear their intent in the sound of their footsteps. She braces herself for what is to come.

-

Lexie paces, while Jackson goes on about how big of a dickhead Stark is and how she can't go around moping forever. Alex says nothing, clearly here only for moral support, and Lexie interjects with positive, supportive comments, playing off of Jackson's lead.

"We're worried about you," Jackson says.

"We are," Lexie agrees. "Isn't that right, Alex?"

She glares at him until he nods in affirmation.

April sits, wide-eyed, listening to them go on. She would interject, she would tell them the truth, if only she could get a word in edgewise.

"But guys," she starts, countless times, only to have Jackson, or Lexie, or even Alex one time, cut her off.

So she listens.

She listens, _and she waits._

-

Later, somehow they're all on her bed, sitting cross-legged and facing each other like children. Tissues have been exchanged and confessions have finally been uttered, and Lexie puts her arm around her.

She feels better.

 _She feels fine_ , actually. Surprisingly.

"So wait," Alex finally says after a minute of silence. "How many times did you do it?"

Lexie frowns. "Don't be crass," she says.

"I'm not being crass," he says. "I wanna know. More than once?"

"You don't have to answer that, April," Jackson tells her.

April only blushes.

"No way," Alex says, his voice filled with realization.

"What?" Lexie asks.

"Her first time," Alex says this line with a small hoot of laughter afterward.

"Karev!" Jackson warns.

"She got pregnant her first time having sex, _with Dr. Stark_ of all people." Alex leans back, positively pleased with himself.

"Shut the hell up, man," Jackson says, still in protective mode.

"Come on, Alex," Lexie says.

But April isn't embarrassed or upset or any of the things she thought she might be. Instead, _she laughs._ "Oh my god. He's right. He's right! It really is completely, and utterly ridiculous isn't it? I mean? It's hilarious! I can't... stop laughing."

The others watch her in silence as she erupts into a fit of giggles that appears unstoppable, and it isn't long until the whole group, even Alex, joins her.

"Stark!" someone says.

"What an asshole," someone else says.

She feels good, sitting here on her bed with her friends sharing this piece of herself that she's hidden for weeks, laughing about it with them. She can feel it growing smaller and smaller in the distance. Finally.

 _Finally._

April laughs until she cries.

 _-fin_


End file.
